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we were warned of a cardiac arrest patient approaching by ambulance. everyone was ready for her. consultant; check. junior doctor; check. specialist nurse; check. adrenaline, defib machine, ecg machine, oxygen; all checks. flushed faced students trembling with anticipation; check, check, check.

then she arrived.a brief history by paramedic kept us up to date of the situation; which remained grim. there remained no pulse to be felt. almost immediately she was transferred to the bed, chest compressions were resumed. 
but unlike all the cardiac arrest scenes showned in er, house and even grey’s anatomy (when the surgeon and that self-centered meredith could tear themselves from each other and attend to the patient), the whole things commence calmly. no shoutings, no panick hesitations. quotig mr durham; ‘there was just no need for it’.

we all had our turns at chest compressions. it was so tiring, i was gasping for air by the first minute. but the main difference from the ones i did on that dummy resusci-anne was that i know for certain that each compression matters. that i can’t afford to not get it right. that if i let my eyes wander to the patient’s face, i could see how the lack of blood has left her skin white and cold, how the sound of breath was missing from her throat, how her eyes are now becoming more lifeless. and as futile as any of our efforts may be, there is still a tiny chance that we could reverse the situation, by bringing the heart to beat properly again, dispersing precious blood to the brain.

but not in her case. the prognosis was really bad to start with. she had pulseless electrical activity or pea for short, not ammendable to electric shock. (so we didn’t have that scene in house when dr chase quickly grab the two plastic things with handle as soon as the monitor bleeps and put them on the patients chest, and after saying clear the patient’s whole body shook, and after a few attempts the patient’s ecg showed traces again and all the doctors look at each other smugly as if saying to each other; another life saved by us again!) she wasn’t given any life support whatsoever until paramedics arrived on the scene. it would be a miracle for her to come out of it alive, let alone with a properly functioning brain.

being so engrossed in the whole experience, it only dawned on me that death has just happened when the doctor announced the time of death. me and my mates may remembered the day and talk animatedly of it amongst ourselves as the day we did real chest compression, as the day we gave adrenaline injection, the day we played with the oxygen bag, the day we encountered our first cardiac arrest. but for her relatives and friends, it would be a dark day, a day when a loved one lost her life. and despite how much training the doctors went through, despite how efficient the paramedics were, and despite how fully equipped the emergency department was, nobody could do anything about it.

so yeah, despite all the deaths, i have already decided that i like emergency medicine and my a&e firm.

this one is a bit out of the topic. i met dr ang swee chai the other day! yeah as in ‘from beirut to jerusalem’s dr ang. as in ohh she’s my role model i soo want to be like her dr ang. she gave us a very inspiring talk. i had goosebumps throught. she relieved her experiences during the sabra and shatila massacre, and the amazing works done by trustee of medical aid for palestinians which she founded.
i couldnt even start to describe how brilliant the talk was. here were some excerpts from her speech, and i quote,
‘peace can never come unless there is justice, but justice is beyond us’
‘we can ask question but we can’t always get the answers, because certain things in life is not up for us to know’
i trusted with that belief she was able to operate under the most extreme of circumstances, she cared for patients under the worst imaginable condition, she remained undeterred whislt she spent hours saving one life a dozen more were lost in a blink of an eye outside, and she still treated a soldier who got injured after shooting innocent civilians at point blank.

read from beirut to jerusalem. i’m sure after all the tears and sobbing, anyone will come to love her. and be reminded of our duty to our brothers and sisters in palestine. because ‘forgetfulness leads to exile, while remebrance is the secret of redemption..’

excited and eager to take off, but the fog didn’t want to clear up. tyical unreliable manchester weather. the connection flight left without us. we end up in istanbul 5 hours late, having had all the time in the world enjoying croissant in zurich. minor glitch.

the first instance my eye caught site of the stunning blue mosque, i couldn’t stop saying aaaaa…..aaaa.. no words cant describe how beautiful it is, so i wont even attempt to try. ottoman architecture at its finest, designed by mimar (the master architect) sinan.

the next morning we woke up to the sound of muezzin calling for fajr prayer. (to be quite honest we didnt sprang out of bed but rather tossed and turned before finally waking up) it is so beautiful. especially after so many months not being able to hear the azan save for rare occurrences.

we were in between blue mosque and aya sofya. to our left is the beautiful blue mosque, and to our right is the breathtaking aya sofya. up till now i’m still torn over  which one i like best.

the best way to enjoy blue mosque is to be inside. passing by foreign tourists on my way to the ladies’ prayer place, my heart swell with pride. i cant pin it down to why exactly. probably because they came form far to admire a building designed and built by my late brothers in islam. probably because they can only gasp in amazement whereby i can offer a ‘tahyatulmasjid’ prayer. probably because i am privileged to pray and make dua in such a beautiful place. i am not a turkish, i can’t speak even a word of turkish langguagge (at least not on the first day), but i feel a deep sense of belonging in there, amongst the turkish women and men performing prayers. and i can’t help but imagine myself taking the exact steps like my forefathers, the ottomans, who made the ottoman empire as what it was.

looking up at the dome of aya sofya, one can almost see a reflection of heaven from earth. as cliche as it sounds, well, u cannot help but feel amazed all the same. to be in such a building who have been around for centuries; initially a church, liberated into a mosque by sultan mehmet II (muhammad al fatih the conqueror), but now only serves as a museum since kemal attatturk times, i can only imagine the things it has seen and has had happened in within its wall.

remember we always say to ourselves ( i know i do) that being a muslim is a privilege, is something to be proud of, is something that bind us to a wider community designed for and bestowed with resources and strength for greater things. but only in rare instances that i find myself in situations where i truly believe and feel it in my heart that those are true. and i truly know for certain then and there that i am a muslim first, above everything else.

all around us tourists and locals swarmed the covered bazaar and the spice market, bargaining and purchases taking place. we were being stopped many times by inquiring locals, wanting to know where we come from ("malaysia, indonesia, pakistani,arab?"), telling us where to go and even inviting us for turkish tea, making us feel so welcomed. "you are still going to coming to tea?!" -their exact words, no kidding. oohh, and when we took out our cameras, they either move beside us to get into the picture, or hold their hands for the camera and say, "come, i will took your picture". they are also very giving, especially after they find out that we are malaysian muslim. we end up with a bigger bag of candies after buying a small bag each.
turkish ladies our mums’ age came to us, even our perplexed faces didn’t stop their greetings in turkish, and made a point to give us a hug, hold our hands, or just pat our faces before parting ways. schoolgirls exchange curious glances amongst themselves, trying their best in halting english to speak to us. they are naturals in front of the camera, what with their cute lovely faces. even we look turkish in the middle of their smiling faces in the pictures ( a darker version probably?) when we left, they shouted in a chorus, "we love you, nice meeting you!" aaa..(they make me think of the sisters i never had)

apart from the beautiful buildings, the thing i remember most about istanbul would probably be the friendly people. i dont even mind the hassling sellers trying to sell their stuffs too much. the lovely women in colourful scarves and dark but fair-eyed (kacak la) men, i would definitely miss turkish people!

there are just so many more stories to tell. about how surreal (and cold) it was to be surrounded by misty fog within kilometers from where the bosphorus meet the black sea, about how we try our best to make the guards at the dolmabahce palace to smile whilst we took their pictures (but to no avail), about the foods that we could enjoyed (yeah i’m talking about extra large burger king’s whopper). people say everybody needs a vacation so that we can go back to our jobs with renewed enthusiasm. well in my case i just want the vacation not to end (although it already has!)