My Blog

"you havent failed, its a step towards success"
"you did a brilliant job, there was nothing that i could do differently myself, but its just that.."
"dont fret about it, you will nail it next time.."

very nice and thoughtful, at the very least those words did cushion the blow a bit. but lets face the truth, if you fail you will feel like shit, needless of what others say.

but would i rather hear;

"even a simple procedure like this you cant pull through?"or..
"what an incompetent asshole.."

absolutely not. so yeah, i should be thankful of the very supportive learning environment. i should be thankful for the patient who didnt hold any grudge against me(and even squeeze my hand and said i was being silly when i apoplogized) despite me stabbing his wrist a trillion times earlier.

so the next thing to do (and it is also the hardest part) is to stop "mellowing"->is there such word? and grab that abg syringe and needle and puncture another radial artery on another person without a flinch, and blocking all thoughts that say "nananana..you will surely fail again!!"

there…another reflective piece completed, as required by gmc. shoohh.. go back to those  books!

** blood diamond is brilliant. (i know, i know..i am an outdated movie watcher) quoting archer "i wondered will god forgive us for what we have done to each other. but when i look all around me, i realized He has left this place a long time ago" and then he burst into tears and at that moment in time that madie fell for him-typical!

that is a very hard argument to turn around. i remembered discussing this, or rather, arguing about this with dear old mercedes who is an atheist. her argument; if there is god, how can He allows so much unfairness and sufferings be. my argument; i cant agree with her, it was the first thing i heard after i was born, it was a believe that i chant out loud and in my silent prayers night and day; that Allah is Great, and there is no other God but Him. but how can i turn whatever little knowledge i had that form the basis of my belief into a logical argument that can at least make her think, "hold on a minute, she(that would be me) has got somethig there.."
i tried my best, but suffice to say i was at the brink of failing miserably as well=(

osce in a couple of weeks time. please God lets my record of failing ends here. <touch wood> err, it can resume after osce if it wishes, just NOT OSCE. Amin.

is this all there is to my life?

is this all there is that i can be?

is this a privilege or a curse?

hmm..philosophical questions like these tend to pop out of my scientifically-trained accept nothing but logic brain lately, much to my amazement. especially after spending hours, day in and out, reading and studying.

probably this is just a phase which every medics in the whole wide world experience; after wading through hospitals corridors and realizing that saving the world is just not possible, after spending hours in the library and discovers that the process of inputting facts into the now tired brain is endless, and after talking to an old friend and finds out that there are more exciting things going on outside this coccoon that encloses our lives, which we play no part of.

an article in student bmj may 2nd put all my thoughts in the most fitting way;’medicine is a vocation-a lifelong companion. and like someone facing 50 years of marriage, I wanted one last fling. a future in medicine was reassuring, but how would i feel if i never flirted with anything else?’

i guess all these ensettled emotions and uncertainties i’ve experienced lately come down to one crucial question; am i missing out in life?

and i’ll figure it out in time, i hope. and as of now, back to those books on the table i guess..