this is a depressing entry.
viewers’ discretion is advised.
i sat in clinic the other day. and this man was wheeled in by his wife. the doc asked how he was feeling. lo and behold, it promts a littany of complaints. i tuned myself out of the conversation as quickly.
“i’m having soup for lunch. what, soup? no way, dont be too healthy. hmm maybe chips in gravy then..sounds good” my daydreaming halted abruptly when i caught him saying. “i felt trapped in my own bedroom. i’m a burden”. with that simple sentence, a feeling of deja vu swept over me. i was overcame with overwhelming thoughts of my late grandfather. then and there i could literally see him lying in bed, peeping at us through the slit in the door. his sad eyes pierced my heart.
the story with that man was, he has end stage renal failure on home peritoneal dialysis since a year ago. early this year he was above knee amputation due to gangrene. a fortnight ago tragedy strikes again. he had a heart attack. now he is depending on his wife for even the simplest thing. as i look at this yellowish-grey one legged man sitting in front of me, i realised that i miss my late grandfather. very much.
it was very depressing indeed. but somehow, in ways i cannot fathom, i feel good. because all week i encountered very sick and even dying patients and i didn’t feel a thing. like this morbidly obese 54 year old who has foul-smelling leg ulcers, blind in one eye, and all i could say when i left his room was,”gosh he looks 70!”. having been in the room when a woman was told that she has metastatic cancer and there is no cure, my friend and i made a joke about halloween moments later. and when this 30 year old chap who has sclerosing peritonitis and he wasn’t even certain whether he will be around for christmas, all i could think of is all those acne on his face. when encoutered with such human tragedy and all i can feel is..nothing, i started to question my own humanity.
this one-legged man not only reminded me of my late grandfather, but reasssured me that i’m still human. that am still able to feel the pain of others.
most patients will come and go, and be forgotten. it is my way of coping and i have to allow myself that. but a few will get under my skin. and i have to make allowance for that too. but as i look at the doctors, having to encouter such human pains day in and out, I wondered to myself, have they ever reached a point when they just had about enough, and think-why bother? everyone is going to get sicker and die no matter what so why bother.
on a completely different issue, news form mudcity. the big man is out. he’s deemed innocent. the police a.k.a body guards are going to be charged instead, and i’m betting that the charges wil stick this time around.
what do i, a normal citizen, think of all this? i think if i commit a crime, i will be charged and pay dearly for it. but if big mans (and womans) commit a crime against me, they will go free. every little details in the system will work miraculously for their favor. justice will NOT be done.
what.a.joke.
November 5th, 2008 at 6:21 am
waa..that was an interesting experience apoo..im sure byk lagi kan.. i read those things in the textbook.cases.lectures about those cases but never encounter one.. ye la..aku bukan dr pun.. been working in community, not hospital
anyway, i guess its not like u r losing your humanity or something. but you just have to get use to it kan…sometimes..and there u r, almost there . but please dont be like dr House. haha.. i know u wont! =).
November 9th, 2008 at 1:57 am
I’m sure once you start working nnti, you’ll encounter loads of interesting cases. And you will be brilliant with the patinents i’m sure! if we work in the same hosp kan dennis i want to have you in my speed dial!! nak tanye pasal ubat and dosage and interactions etc all the time heehe.
November 12th, 2008 at 9:08 am
heheheh!! apoo, dont start questioning yourself about humanity lahh… u being a doctor is the obvious sign of humanity already… just that, environment kerja tu yg makes u unconsciously try to block the “depressing” images/ feelings whatever lah from your mind… it’s a way of coping as u said. but, sometimes u just can’t help to feel the suffering as well sbb it reminds u of something or someone dear to u… it’s hard not to be affected by everything around u sometimes… human tend to be selective in choosing what will affect them… that’s the beauty of mind… if everytime tgk benda camtu, and u jadi depress.., mental weihh!!… hehe!
House… tak payah cerita… but he’s a good doc that way.. though sgt sarcastic and irritating… hahahha! but apoo yea… jgn jadik cam house..hehe!
November 12th, 2008 at 11:16 am
oh oh.. on the “completely different issue” tu… that’s lumrah alam.. natural… at least in our tanah tumpah darah tercinta… memang menyedihkan… those in power can treat this tanahair as their own playground!!… its people as their puppets!!!!… and the justice system as a means of robbing this tanahair and its people of their rights!!! PENCURI!! they robbed us of the rights to know the truth…. sekarang ni we don’t even know who to trust anymore… what will happen to this tanahair if we were governed by corrupt leaders and weak justice system? how can we rely on them when they are not reliable and not responsible? the answer is before us already…. good governance is about accountability… our leaders obviously know nothing about being accountable of their actions…
nowadays i hate *i know that is a very strong word*… but truly hate perkataan ‘rakyat’ especially if it uttered by the so called Malaysian leaders!! rakyat rakyat rakyat… as if they truly care!! disgusting!
“Stripped of ethical rationalizations and philosophical pretensions, a crime is anything that a group in power chooses to prohibit” - Freda Adler
in Malaysia, those in power obviously think that being corrupt is not a crime… and upholding justice is. that’s why we have people thrown in a jail for speaking too much against them… and those who actually should be jailed till they rot are free do whatever they want to! they got their sense mixed up… gila!!
November 16th, 2008 at 9:50 am
kaem i have to agree with you. good governance should come first and above everything else: because no laws or regulations, no policies and its implementation will be effective without it. It is about opening up government’s actions to public scrutiny and free debate. It is about getting the people in power to be answerable for all their actions. It is about transferring the locus of power to the rakyat. it is a fact that people in power have to accept-with great power comes great responsibility (eceh cam spiderman tak).
But sadly this simple logic can’t be understood by (not all) the present leaders. well what else can you expect of someone who is in it for the money, for the fame, for the reputation kan.
Not to worry my friend. change is upon us. Because if enough people want change bad enough, with God’s will it will happen. It’s up for us to take it upon ourselves and doing things a bit differently-with transparency, accountability, and always striving to improve=good governance.
And then mane tau, one day nanti in Malaysia crime will still be punished as a crime regardless of whoever commits it.
btw, how are you? still kt ukm ke?
November 24th, 2008 at 10:00 am
betul… if awal2 niat dah salah, kita dapat apa yang kita niatkan je lah… mcm mana laa nak bergantung harap ng diorang ni… gerak perubahan tu dah ade, tapi belum cukup kuat sbb ada je halangan… maybe tak lama lagi, manusia bukan boleh menongkat dunia pun kan?
nway, aku kat upm laaa… next month insyaallah GRADUATE!! hehehehe… aminnnnn..insyaallah..!! doakan aku suma beres okeh!!
December 18th, 2008 at 2:25 am
hack friendster password…
“ It said the June……